'Organ Recitals'
aches, pains, bodily functions -- dark humor and verse
More and more, a large percentage of my conversations is devoted to health issues. A friend calls these discussions ‘Organ Recitals,’ and that clever term inspired this poem.
One way to cope is to create. I’ve been writing verse since I was a child, and I turn to it sometimes to express myself about topics that grab my attention. So how about a bit of dark humor on this fine spring day?
ORGAN RECITALS
by Lea Lane
I’m noticing a whiny chorus
Not defined in my thesaurus.
On and on the litany plays
Minutes, hours — sometimes days.
Aches and pains and woes indignant;
Most benign, rarely malignant.
Addressing this, I give a title
Of a bodily recital.
**
Nonstop talk of nature’s functions
Takes the cake at many luncheons.
Discussion of replacement hips,
Swollen glands and swollen lips.
The laundry list of medication
That you hauled on your vacation.
Osteo -pina or -parosis?
Even stinky halitosis.
Tessa whines about a bunion,
Growing bigger than an onion.
June bemoans her mottled skin,
Tony has a shattered shin.
Sam decries his tender butt,
Ella notes her bloated gut.
Flo describes three genital warts
To her friends, evoking snorts.
(A proper lady should avoid
Discussion of her hemorrhoid.)
**
Health unknowns in all variety
Can accelerate anxiety.
And talking dryness, crusts and ooze
Makes you want to hit the booze.
“I hear wheezing in my lung!”
“What’s that coating on my tongue?”
Cold sore, hot flash, rashes too,
Pink eye, red sty, “Is it flu?”
“Watch and wait” or urgency?
(Sometimes an emergency!)
If you’re stiff, have creaky knees:
“Uh oh, I’ve got Lyme disease!”
Words now failing, in absentia?
“Could it be that it’s dementia?”
Pressure running high or low?
“Get the cuff…. I need to know!”
Fear when waiting for an answer
From a scan —”What if it’s cancer?”
Indigestion? Heart attack!
(I’m not a hypochondriac!)
**
But sometimes listing aches and pains
Serves a purpose, offers gains.
Maladies of every sort
Elicit answers and retort:
Operate on cataracts?
“I can give you all the facts!”
“Remember, during MRIs
Relax your body, close your eyes.”
Heart gets larger, arteries clogging?
“Maybe you should take up jogging.”
Not so happy taking statins?
“My best solution: drink Manhattans.”
And honest talk of all the ick
Helps you when you’re really sick.
**
Yes, organ recitals really tend
To be annoying,
But
They
End.
Okay, a bit dark. But true. Some of us oldies have even started using a timer to allow for just a bit of health discussion before moving on to talk of politics and best new series to stream. Meanwhile get enough sleep, hydrate and don’t forget sunscreen!
There will be more verse coming now and then —unless you object vehemently. I love writing about all aspects of life, and sprinkling realities with fun. FYI, here are a couple of other verses I’ve already published on Substack. Feel free to share them, or any of my weekly offerings.
If you subscribe to my Substack you won’t miss writings, poems, photo-essays, travel podcasts —even serious topics. You never know what Friday will bring. As always, thanks for your support!
I read your comment on the NYT opinion column “How to be Old.” I love your poem. It is quite clever. Thank you for sharing it with us NYT readers. Because you did, I now have a new poet to follow on Substack!
I, too, am 83. My 2 favorite ages of life, so far, have been when my 3 children were young and now, during my ) (lovely old lady years).